Dating Advice for Men

Keys to a Healthy Relationship

2005-05-03T10:22:00.000-07:00

Before launching into the specifics about the intricacies and various idiosyncrasies of relationships (let alone how to get involved in one), it would first be helpful to understand what exactly a healthy relationship is. How do I know if I’m in one? What areas of the relationship should I focus on improving? If we know what we are striving for, then we will be better equipped to achieve our goal of having a healthy relationship – whether it’s marriage, or just a steady girlfriend.

The general consensus among experts is that there are several main components to a healthy relationship (sources for which can be found here and here).

Important Components of a Healthy Relationship:

Respect: Learning about and valuing what is important to each person involved in the relationship.
Honesty: Being candid about thoughts, feelings, and the desired direction of the relationship will allow both you and your partner the opportunity to simultaneously explore yourselves and the relationship.
Trust: Over time, trusting your partner will be necessary for a healthy relationship, but in the beginning trust is not automatic--it has to be earned. Always trust yourself to be who you are and to look out for your well-being. It is important to remember that trust is hard to earn but easy to destroy.
Communication: Communication is equal parts listening and speaking. When you and your partner are communicating, try to make her/him feel justified in her/his emotions. Repeat what s/he is saying as you understand it and ask if you understand the situation correctly. Don't expect your partner to read your mind. Be as clear and direct as possible.
Expectations. You expect certain things of your partner; in turn your partner has certain expectations of you. The key to expectations is making them realistic. When expectations are realistic, they are more likely to be met leaving both partners satisfied and happy.
Gratification. There are two types of gratification--physical (safety, sensual, and sexual) and emotional (love, caring, and affection). In a healthy relationship, both partners are honest about what their needs are, and both partners are willing and able to meet the other partner's needs on a long-term basis.
Influence. Influence deals with who leads and is in control. Healthy relationships thrive on each partner's ability to work together and compromise when conflicts arise. Neither partner feels the need to dominate; instead, each person supports the other's strengths and knows that the conflict will be resolved to meet the needs of both people.
Boundaries and Sociability. Each partner has a need to be autonomous and keep a sense of self otherwise he or she will become consumed by the relationship. Boundaries establish where one person begins and the other person ends. Me, you, and us need to be defined as separate entities. This also holds true for the social aspect of building relationships and making friends. There need to be boundaries for your friends, my friends, and our friends, to create a balanced social network.

The basic “how to begin a healthy relationship” would read something like this:

The first step in initiating a relationship is to find out what you want from the relationship. Love, happiness, respect, commitment, and fulfillment may all be possibilities of what you need and want from a relationship.

Know what you want.
Use effective communication. (If your partner can't communicate and doesn't want to talk through issues, then your expectations may be significantly different, or maybe it means that you're at different places in your life. Either way, it's not a good sign. Communication is vital.)
Work through conflict; do not be discouraged by it.
Make agreements about your relationship. You should agree to:
Be honest with each other
Discuss your feelings openly; do not hide them.
Talk about sex openly if it's an issue.
Confront issues that are bothering you right away.
You should also make agreements on any other issues that you feel are important.

When one really understands that healthy relationships actually do have some significant qualifiers attached to them, then one realizes that relationships require work.

So make the decision to do better! Work on the areas you need to improve in your relationship, or be cognizant of what it takes to create a healthy relationship upon entering one. Healthy relationships can provide meaning, enoyment, fulfillment and a host of other extremely positive and worthwhile experiences to enrich one's life. So get to work!

Lesson One: How to Deal with "Let's Just be Friends"

2005-04-28T11:09:00.000-07:00

Most men have at one time or another had interest in a potential female prospect, only to have her tell them, "Let's just be friends". Fortunately, this is a situation that is not only avoidable, it is a great learning opportunity if acted upon properly.

The ultimate goal of any man seeking a romantic interest is to elicit the exact opposite reaction from the female you seek. Instead of being friends, you want to be the guy she sleeps with -- not who she'll call for a free lunch, or an accomodating ear to give her advice on her current elusive guy she seeks.

How do guys avoid this situation?

Read this article for starters. It explains how to deal with such a situation if it arises, and highlights a theme that will help guys avoid these situations in the future.

1) Be willing to walk away. Meaning, when you ask her out, she is not your end-all-be-all goal for the evening. Have other options -- whether it's other women, or a night hanging with the buddies, NEVER put yourself in the situation where she gets the impression that if you guys don't hang out, you won't have anything else to do.

"That sounds good, but how do I accomplish this?" you may ask.

If you don't have other options, it means you probably aren't involved in enough activities. Get involved. Play sports, join a club, attend events, call up your buddies and organize nights out. Be creative and get out there -- that's how you meet people. The more you're putting yourself "out there", the more people you'll meet and the more options you will have. Simply by being more active, you will automatically give any prospective woman the impression that you are busy and in demand because you will be! Don't be "that guy" who sits around hoping she'll call. Get busy so you don't think about her (if you have that much time to hang around, go to the gym or do something productive to improve yourself).

2) Make it clear what you want. You want her, not another friend. If you are the flirtatious type, flirt with her. When you ask her out, make it clear it's a date. I'd avoid asking her out until you're relatively sure that she's interested, or, if you're perfectly willing to walk away if she says no a couple times, then it's OK to ask. But, if she's showing a lack of interest, or relative disinterest, there are steps to fix that (but that will come in a later posting).

3) This type of situation usually arises when the guy is too accomodating to the female, without proper quid pro quo. If you're not her boyfriend, why are you offering to build her furniture, take her out to lunch and advise her on her problems? Don't dig yourself a hole by acting like a friend. Many women really do mean it when they say, "Let's not ruin our friendship by taking it further" -- you WILL land in the friend zone if you are super caring and nice BEFORE getting together with her. Channel your energy in other areas, and when she sees you aren't around and misses you -- bingo.

Trouble Landing Chicks?

2005-04-28T09:59:00.000-07:00

If you are a man who is looking for advice on how to land that elusive vixen you've had your eye on, or just a guy who is looking to increase the number of dates that you go on, you've come to the right place.

Figuring out women can be tough. In fact, it's nigh impossible. The good news is you don't even have to understand them to have romantic success with them. The solutions to solving the romantic problems of men are usually quite simple.

Most guys go through phases where we alternate between swearing that we love women and swearing at the female gender for cursing us with their nature. It's natural. It happens.

But relax fellas. Everyone can improve their game.

I'm here to help.